Rejecting the Rejection of Feelings

In a radio commercial I heard recently, two families were preparing to go camping together at a place that apparently had something for everyone. The husbands were brainstorming what to do on the trip. One said, "I hear there's some good fishing at the lake there."

The other said, "Yeah, we could do some hiking too. Hey, what do you think our wives will want to do?"

"I don't know. Oh yeah, they'll probably talk about those...what do you call them?

"Umm...feelings or something like that?"

"No, that's not it. Wait. Yeah, that's it. Feelings."

In this commercial, the husbands clearly did not value feeling. Chances are, we've all met people that either do not value feelings or seem to rebel against them. There seems to be this idea that feelings complicate our lives and make things very difficult by adding a subjective dimension, so they are not very helpful.

In many ways, our world would certainly be a lot simpler without feelings. We would be able to just do and say whatever needed to be done or said and then move on with our lives. Without feelings, no one would be worried, sad, angry, scared, offended, or any other negative emotion. Wouldn't that be a wonderful world?

If you answered "yes", you're experiencing a feeling of happiness toward the idea of a world without feelings. Interesting, isn't it. I'm not trying to suggest that we should have feelings; I'm just pointing out that they're already there. Feelings come and go in all of us and if we try to deny that we have certain feelings instead of dealing with them, we'll likely experience a lot more stress than we need to.

There are two types of approaches we should have toward feelings. These may seem elementary, but I have to keep reminding myself of them, so they might be helpful for everyone to remember:

1. Recognize and allow your own feelings to be there. If you're happy about something, tell someone so you can spread the joy. If you're miserable, tell someone because there's just something therapeutic about getting it off your chest.
2. Recognize and allow feelings of others. Have some degree of sensitivity toward how others might perceive what you say or do. The illustration of a "bull in a china shop" describes a person with no regard for what others think or feel. These people just say and do what they want and usually make a big mess.

Too Much of a Good Thing

I remember a story I read as a child called "Too Much of a Good Thing". It is about a boy who had to go out every morning to bring in the newspaper. He did not like doing this, especially when it was cold, so he decided to train his dog to do it. He worked with the dog for several days and finally taught the dog to bring the newspaper to the doorstep every morning. The boy was excited that he would not have to bring in the newspaper any more! One morning, however, he opened the door to find a pile of several newspapers on the doorstep, and he looked up to see the dog running up the driveway with another one! The dog had been collecting them from the whole neighborhood!

One of the things that I have to keep reminding myself is that too much of a good thing can become a bad thing. Just as the dog was trained to bring the newspapers, we have many good things in our lives. For example, consider the ways that we spend our time. There are times for work, for recreation, for sleep, and for eating. Consider also the interpersonal skills that we use in daily life. There is a time for planning and a time for action; a time for talking and a time for listening; a time for helping and a time for being helped. All of these are necessary, but any of them done to an extreme can be very detrimental.

Personally, I have a hard time limiting the good things in life. When I identify something as being good, my tendency is to want to do it all the time. I am really trying to discipline myself to put limits on things, even good things, so that I don't end up with too much of a good thing.

The Highest Compliment

Most of the compliments we get tend to fall into two main categories. One category praises something we have done well, which could include anything from cooking a great meal to a making a great poster to winning an athletic race. The other category praises some part of our character, such as being thoughtful, determined, confident, etc. Although these are nice to hear, I'd like to suggest that the highest type of compliment is none other than, "I trust you."

To trust someone is more than a mental acknowledgement of their skills or character; it involves presenting them with personal need and having full confidence that they can meet that need. You could tell someone, "You are great at playing music," but a higher compliment would be to ask them to perform for a special event that you are hosting. You could compliment them for their integrity, but a higher compliment would be to entrust them with your house key and ask them to check on your house every day while you're on vacation. Notice also that in order to trust someone, you need to see them having both strong skills and character. Someone who can do the job but is not reliable to do it is not trustworthy. Likewise, someone who cannot do the job but has a very willing spirit is also not trustworthy.

When we truly trust someone, we do not worry about whether they will get the job done. Worry indicates a lack of trust. When I trust someone, I know that there's the possibility that something will go wrong, or even that the person I'm trusting will make a mistake. However, I also know that as soon as they see the problem, they will find a way to fix it.

Since genuine trust excludes worry, is there any place for accountability in a trusting relationship? It would be very unwise to never check up on how people are getting things done, but there is an important way in which we ask those follow-up questions. To ask, "Did you get the job done?," implies a lack of trust, whereas to ask, "How did it go when you did the job?" is just asking out of curiosity and implies trust that they actually did it.

Trust may be easier or harder for different people based on their experience of working with people. The idea of trusting God to keep His promises can seem like a huge jump since we have never actually seen Him or heard Him speak. To be honest, there are times that I struggle with trusting God, but what always helps me trust Him is to look at His track record. Over and over, the Bible records ways in which He kept His promises. It also goes into great detail to explain His perfect character. I am convinced that God is not only capable of keeping His promises, He is reliable to keep them in the way that is best.

Optimistic, Realistic, and Pessimistic

I remember a time I was trying to convince another person that my idea really could work, but the other person pointed out some key weaknesses in my idea. I tried to defend myself by saying, "I'm just trying to be optimistic," to which the other person quickly said, "And I'm trying to be realistic."

No doubt you have heard these words used often, perhaps even in the past 24 hours. It's helpful to stop and consider what they mean, as well as their implications for our lives. The optimist tends to look at the good sides of things, thinking of possibilities. The pessimist tends to look at the bad sides of things, thinking of excuses. The realist strives to be objective, seeing both the good and the bad of an idea.

Each of these types of people has its strengths and weaknesses. The optimist contributes passion and creativity, sometimes at the cost of prudence. The realist contributes reason and balance, although may never take action on the ideas they support. The pessimist contributes caution and critical thinking, although they may potentially stifle growth of an organization.

I have two suggestions for all people regarding these categories. First, it's helpful to work on a team that has a balance of these types of voices. Rarely does an idea start out as a perfect one; it needs to be edited multiple times. When a team lacks this balance, chances are slim that their work will appeal to the organization they serve. However, with a diverse group of voices, it's helpful to establish guidelines up front for how an idea will be processed, lest the optimist thinks that the pessimist hates him or the pessimist thinks the optimist is crazy for all his weird ideas.

My second suggestion is that each individual person try to have a balance of these three characteristics. There are times that we should all be optimistic. It's important to have times of dreaming about what could happen. After a period of dreaming, it's important to switch to the pessimistic mode to consider what obstacles may interfere with these dreams. Finally, after identifying these obstacles, it's time to switch to the realistic mode where you compensate for the weaknesses and make the dreams a reality. In the words of a realist, "It's okay to build castles in the sky, as long as you put foundations under them to hold them up."