What are the "social skills"?

We often hear about people having "social skills" (or lack thereof). But what are these social skills, anyway?

Before I try to answer that, I'd like to explain why I'm asking the question in the first place. During the first 20 years of my life (and to some degree today), I have struggled with feeling whether people really liked me. I have felt left out, socially, and I have wanted to improve in the area of social skills so that people would enjoy being around me more. Therefore, I have tried to work on one at a time. Here are some of the social skills I have thought of, in no particular order:

Being self-confident without being arrogant.

Making eye contact (and in general show an interest in the other person) without seeming intrusive.

Being a good listener and asking follow-up questions to what another person says without just being a listening post.

Enjoying the presence of others, but not being so dependent on it as to become a "clingy" person.

Sharing about yourself to a level that is appropriate for the level of relationship that you have. It is not good to share nothing (or just stay on a surface level with everyone), nor is it good to be too transparent with people who are not expecting it.

Having fun together. Making memories with others is important to any relationship lasting. However, there must be something of substance in a relationship in order for it to mean anything beyond fun and games.

Be able to share your frustrations, but doing so in a tactful and constructive way (focusing on solutions, not just the problem).

Apologizing promptly and honestly for your mistakes, but not living a life of regret.

Be flexible to work with others, including a variety of personality styles, yet also being able to work alone when needed.

Be generous toward others, but not to the point where you allow others to take advantage of you.

As I look over this list, I notice two major trends. First, as the Golden Rule says, "Treat others the way you want to be treated." The following poem really opened my eyes about friendship:

I went out looking for a friend
But friends could not be found.
Then I went out to be a friend
And friends were all around.

Rather than expecting others to make me happy all the time, I can proactively seek out ways to bless others by meeting them where they're at.

Second, there is a balance needed for almost everything. When someone goes too far to one side of a continuum, they tend to be labeled as "arrogant"(too much confidence) or "depressed" (lacking confidence), "party animal" (too much freedom) or "workaholic" (lacking freedom), etc. When I notice I'm not connecting with people, I try to stop and identify what character trait I'm doing too much or too little of. Then I consider whether that is an aspect of my character that I'm willing to change.

I'm including this topic in my blog because God created us to be social creatures. He has ordained the family as the basic unit of life and the church as a sort of adoptive family of believers in Him. He has also ordained that government would wisely manage the affairs of nations. I believe that God wants us to have a thriving society, but we cannot have effective society unless people have good social skills. I get excited to see people (including myself) develop in the area of social skills and the difference that it makes in our lives.

I'm Gaining "Wait"

I love to be spontaneous. You could tell me, "Hey Ben, we're going on a 50 mile bike ride a few minutes--want to come?" and I would beat you to the bikes. There's just something exciting about making things up as I go along. in fact, I enjoy doing new things much more than doing the same ones that I have done in the past.

Since I love being spontaneous, it's hard for me to hear the word "wait". In my mind, if something is good, I should do it as soon as possible. However, when working with other people in a ministry setting, it's hard to be spontaneous when it affects others, so a slower approach to change is usually more well-received. I've done a lot more waiting recently, mainly because my organization just isn't ready yet for some of the ideas I've had. But don't think that I'm just waiting. Oh no. While I wait I do three other things:

1. Wait and see. Sometimes an idea seems good at first, but over time it becomes clear that a different direction would be better.

2. Wait and plan. Many people would like to say they've climbed Mount Everest, but without a good plan for training and getting there, it's never going to happen.

3. Wait and communicate. Once I see that an idea would in fact be a good one, and once I have a reasonable plan of how to make it happen, it's important to start talking it up. Some people will quickly embrace it, but others will need more time. Many people will have legitimate concerns or they may have great suggestions for improving the idea. Unless I communicate the idea to several people, there is no way for me to get this feedback.

I was challenged by a quote I read by Earl Nightingale: "Don't let the fear of the time it takes to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use." There is no need to just sit around waiting; redeem the time!

Being a "sensitive" person

If someone tells you, "You're so sensitive!" is that a compliment or a criticism? It could be either, depending on the context and tone of voice.

If you're sensitive toward the needs and feelings of others, you're sensitive in a good way. If you are extremely touchy about how people treat you or talk to you, you're sensitive in a bad way. It's kind of strange that the same word can have seemingly opposite definitions, but in fact they're not that different. They both have to do with sensing (i.e. using your senses), but one way is to be focused on yourself and one way is to be focused on others.

I remember a wise person telling me a few years ago, "Rather than being thin skinned and thick hearted, we should be thick skinned and thin hearted." The skin refers to how sensitive we are to ourselves and the heart refers to our sensitivity to others. Here are some benefits that I can think of for being thick skinned:

• Able to ignore irrelevant criticism.
• Able to be self-confident.
• Able to focus on a goal without getting easily distracted from it.

Here are some benefits to being thin hearted:

• Able to truly make a difference in another person's life.
• Able to experience love and compassion.
  
• Focusing on the needs and feelings of others has a therapeutic way of making us forget our own problems.

So where are you on the sensitivity continuum? Are you more sensitive toward yourself or toward others? More importantly, which direction on the continuum are you moving? Very often we change little by little and don't stop to notice it until we've move a long way. However, we should be taking ownership of our lives and making sure that our changes--even little ones--are in a positive direction.

The Sun Brings Rain

What is the relationship between sunshine and rain? It seems like the two are complete opposites, until we consider the water cycle needed in order for us to get rain.

The water in the ocean must evaporate, and the sun is the most likely candidate to make that happen.

After the water has evaporated and formed clouds, those clouds must move to where we are. For this, wind is the most likely candidate. Where does wind come from anyway? It comes from the temperature changes brought by the rising and setting of the sun. Without the sun, there would be no wind.

So the clouds pass over the land where we live, and then what? In order for it to rain, the temperature must be within certain limits, and the sun is responsible for that temperature when it rains (if it's too cold, it will snow instead of rain).

So what? I don't have a deeply profound revelation flowing from this concept that the sun brings rain, but it's just a simple example that a lot of things are related to a lot of other things, even if they initially seem to be opposites. What other examples can you think of?

Assumptions

As the poet John Donne pointed out many years ago, "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." Since we regularly interact with people, we necessarily communicate with them, and part of communication is the transfer of information.

How much should you assume that a person already knows? If you assume they know more than they really do, there is a breakdown in communication and something fails. In this situation you hear something like, "How was I supposed to know? Nobody told me!" If you assume they know less that they really do, you run the risk of boring them or insulting their intelligence. In this situation you might hear, "That's obvious! Do you think I'm stupid or forgetful?" (maybe using different wording or maybe they'll just think it).

So how do you walk the balance between these extremes? How do you make sure people clearly understand but don't feel like you're overdoing it? Here are a few strategies that I use, and please add a comment if you have others.

Strategy 1: Ask the person to give the message to a new person who you're sure does not know the message. Listen to the first person tell the second and check their understanding. If they miss a detail, tactfully step in or wait until afterward to correct them. The added benefit to this is that if they had in fact already known the message, it solidifies it in their mind by telling another person.

Strategy 2: Think of some new detail to tell them and ask if this is a good time to give them an update. Then give the update and explain how it fits with the larger plan. This approach acknowledges that they know the main idea, but it sneaks in a review at the same time.

Strategy 3: When you contact the person, start by explaining that you're checking with all the people involved to make sure they understand the plan or have any questions (they won't feel singled out). Let them take it from there with reciting the plan or asking questions.

Strategy 4: Send a mass communication (such as e-mail) to everyone involved. Check with each person later, for example: "You read the e-mail, right?" "Yes". "So you understand that we're meeting at 3:00, right?" "Yes." "Okay, I'll see you at three." "See you then." I like this approach because it acknowledges that you're assuming the best about them.

Many leadership resources stress the advantage of "overcommunicating" rather than "undercommunicating". I completely agree. I just happen to think that there are some creative ways of doing it when working on an individual level.

The Cup is Half Full!

The movie "Apollo 13", starring Tom Hanks, tells the story of the spaceship that experienced an explosion on its way to the moon. This explosion threatened the astronauts' very survival by limiting the amount of oxygen and electricity that they had to work with. Early in the rescue process, the NASA Flight Director asked, "Can we review our status here? Let's look at these things from a standpoint of status. What have we got on that spacecraft that's good?"

Throughout the rest of the movie, NASA was not just focused on what the problems were; they mainly focused on utilizing what was working well in order to compensate for what was not. Had they just focused on the problems, they would never have gotten the astronauts back safely.

No doubt, you've heard that age-old question: "Is the cup half full or half empty?" Really, the larger question is whether to focus on what you have or what you don't have. I'd like to propose that the cup is most defintely half full, and here are two reasons why.

First, it doesn't matter how empty it is. You don't go get a cup in order to keep it empty; you get one to put things in it. You don't use what there isn't; you just use what there is. I could put 10 ounces of water in a 10-ounce cup, leaving no emptiness. Then I could put 10 ounces of water in a 20-ounce cup, leaving half the cup empty. The volume of water doesn't change, but the emptiness factor does. A lot of times people feel quite content with what they have until they compare themselves to someone who has more, and suddenly they feel some emptiness creep in.

Second, it is hard or even impossible to truly measure what you don't have. Using the example above, you can ask how many ounces of water I have and I can conclusively say "10 ounces". However, if you ask me how much I don't have, I couldn't tell you. Technically I "don't have" the rest of the water in the whole world! For the same reason, I can tell you how much money is in my wallet, but I can't tell you how much money is not in my wallet because I don't know the total amount of money in the whole world.

Whether I'm measuring water or some other aspect of life, I always try to focus on what I have, not primarily focusing on what I'm missing. This small but signficant perspective has often helped me to be content and distinguish my needs from my wants. Similar to the Flight Director for Apollo 13, I try to use strengths of myself or my community to compensate for weaknesses (or seek improvement the areas of weakness). This has usually led to recognizing opportunities that others overlook. In fact, I often enjoy the challenge of trying to accomplish a mission on a shortage of resources because it forces me to creatively use what I do have more efficiently.

Complainers Anonymous

This evening I had a chance to attend the annual meeting of our homeowner's association. I have been looking forward to it for weeks because I like to know what's going on. I was also interested to get to know a lot of the people in my community that I haven't been able to meet yet. However, the meeting did not turn out like I was expecting.

Throughout the meeting several very upset residents voiced their frustrations over things that were not pleasant for them. If I had a chance to talk with them personally, I'd encourage to consider the following:

First, don't get bothered by the little things.

Second, be proactive to fix the problems that you can, or at least offer solutions to the problems that you raise.

Third, if your neighbor is doing something that you don't like, go tell them personally about it.