What are the "social skills"?

We often hear about people having "social skills" (or lack thereof). But what are these social skills, anyway?

Before I try to answer that, I'd like to explain why I'm asking the question in the first place. During the first 20 years of my life (and to some degree today), I have struggled with feeling whether people really liked me. I have felt left out, socially, and I have wanted to improve in the area of social skills so that people would enjoy being around me more. Therefore, I have tried to work on one at a time. Here are some of the social skills I have thought of, in no particular order:

Being self-confident without being arrogant.

Making eye contact (and in general show an interest in the other person) without seeming intrusive.

Being a good listener and asking follow-up questions to what another person says without just being a listening post.

Enjoying the presence of others, but not being so dependent on it as to become a "clingy" person.

Sharing about yourself to a level that is appropriate for the level of relationship that you have. It is not good to share nothing (or just stay on a surface level with everyone), nor is it good to be too transparent with people who are not expecting it.

Having fun together. Making memories with others is important to any relationship lasting. However, there must be something of substance in a relationship in order for it to mean anything beyond fun and games.

Be able to share your frustrations, but doing so in a tactful and constructive way (focusing on solutions, not just the problem).

Apologizing promptly and honestly for your mistakes, but not living a life of regret.

Be flexible to work with others, including a variety of personality styles, yet also being able to work alone when needed.

Be generous toward others, but not to the point where you allow others to take advantage of you.

As I look over this list, I notice two major trends. First, as the Golden Rule says, "Treat others the way you want to be treated." The following poem really opened my eyes about friendship:

I went out looking for a friend
But friends could not be found.
Then I went out to be a friend
And friends were all around.

Rather than expecting others to make me happy all the time, I can proactively seek out ways to bless others by meeting them where they're at.

Second, there is a balance needed for almost everything. When someone goes too far to one side of a continuum, they tend to be labeled as "arrogant"(too much confidence) or "depressed" (lacking confidence), "party animal" (too much freedom) or "workaholic" (lacking freedom), etc. When I notice I'm not connecting with people, I try to stop and identify what character trait I'm doing too much or too little of. Then I consider whether that is an aspect of my character that I'm willing to change.

I'm including this topic in my blog because God created us to be social creatures. He has ordained the family as the basic unit of life and the church as a sort of adoptive family of believers in Him. He has also ordained that government would wisely manage the affairs of nations. I believe that God wants us to have a thriving society, but we cannot have effective society unless people have good social skills. I get excited to see people (including myself) develop in the area of social skills and the difference that it makes in our lives.